


forgiveness (can you imagine?)

by cinderellasfella



Category: Marvel's Avengers (Video Game), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reunions, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:40:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26358121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinderellasfella/pseuds/cinderellasfella
Summary: “So… do you wanna talk about it?” Direct and to the point as ever. He’s missed that - oh, how he’s missed that, and so much more.But still, Thor doesn’t answer. It seems an impossible task, to put into words all that’s been churning in his mind since they returned from space. And even if he did know how, he doesn’t trust himself to speak right now.A sigh, soft but no less pained. “You know I don’t blame you for any of this, right?”His hands ball into fists in his lap, knuckles whitening. “At least one of us doesn’t,” he eventually manages to rasp out, his throat already tightening up.***In the wake of Captain America's triumphant return, Thor and Steve find that some hard truths still need to be hashed out.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Thor
Comments: 20
Kudos: 72





	forgiveness (can you imagine?)

**Author's Note:**

> Back in the writing saddle for a bit! I've been loving the new Avengers game and its take on the characters, so I thought I might as well capitalise on the Thundershield potential ;)
> 
> Some mild spoilers, just a few vague references but nothing too major.

“Hey, you.”

Perched at the edge of his bed with his head bowed, Thor registers Steve’s entrance with a dull kind of surprise. There’s a hissing as the automatic door slides shut behind Steve, sealing off the thrum of activity echoing along the halls outside, and leaving the two of them alone in the silence.

“Hello,” he finally responds, his voice quiet. It seems churlish to leave the captain waiting, feeling those expectant eyes on the crown of his head.

He’d been expecting this talk, sooner or later. He’d just been banking on later, when he might have been able to gather himself a little better.

“I’m sorry for pulling you away from the others,” he says. The Command Deck had still been abuzz when he’d left, with Steve’s guidance needed in a dozen different discussions at once. “I’m sure you have more important matters to attend to.”

“No, no, it’s alright… Kamala saw you slip out, and she was a little worried about you.” Even without looking up, Thor can hear the smile in Steve’s voice, fond and warm. “She’s a good kid.”  
  
“That she is,” Thor murmurs, eyes still trained on the floor. “We’re lucky she found us.” And that’s not just flattery or him being kind - without Kamala, there would be no reunited Avengers, no alliances with SHIELD and the Inhuman Resistance… and certainly no Captain America, returned to them in their most dire hour of need.

The thought still leaves him reeling, half convinced he’ll wake in his shabby little apartment any moment now. If he lives another thousand years, he’ll never forget that wave of shock, of joyous relief that washed over him at the sight of Steve seated next to Tony through the shuttle windows. A little pale and peaky, but very much alive. It was all he’d been able to do to compose himself long enough to fly them back to Earth.

But of course, the initial burst of euphoria had only lasted so long. And in its place crept every last thought and nightmare that had kept Thor awake these past five years. Only now, they were bolstered by the truth he’d been too blind to see. Sick to his stomach in the midst of the jubilant mood the captain’s return had spread throughout the Chimera, he’d needed a moment alone.  
  
“So… do you wanna talk about it?” Direct and to the point as ever. He’s missed that - _oh_ , how he’s missed that, and so much more.

But still, Thor doesn’t answer. It seems an impossible task, to put into words all that’s been churning in his mind since they returned from space. And even if he did know how, he doesn’t trust himself to speak right now.  
  
A sigh, soft but no less pained. “You know I don’t blame you for any of this, right?”

His hands ball into fists in his lap, knuckles whitening. “At least one of us doesn’t,” he eventually manages to rasp out, his throat already tightening up.

“Thor?” A pair of boots move into his field of vision, Steve slowly kneeling before him. “Thor, _please_ , just look at me.”

Anger, he could handle. Disappointment, disgust, shame - any of them would have been more than deserved, after everything that’s happened. Any of them would have been easier to cope with than the quiet, pained pleading in Steve’s voice. The gentle sympathy in his eyes when Thor lifts his gaze to meet them.

“I should have searched for you,” Thor says, his voice little better than a choked whisper.

“There was nothing you could have done-”  
  
“Like _Hel_ there wasn’t!” And there’s venom in his voice as it rises, five years of grief and self-recrimination burning sour in his throat. “I had the Bifrost at my command, I could have searched _anywhere_ for you! I could have found that station and-”  
  
“There was no way you could have known, Thor! Nobody could have, AIM played us all!” Steve counters without hesitation. There’s steel mixed in with his compassionate tone now, the words ringing strong even as he keeps his voice level.

“You don’t know that!”

“And neither do you!”

“ _What am I supposed to believe, then?!_ ” he bellows. And for just a moment, it feels so _good_ , after years of biting his tongue in the face of the world’s vilification, of numbing himself to his grief and constant questions of _why_ , to be able to roar out his frustrations.

But all his anger bleeds away in the ringing silence that follows. Leaving nothing but that familiar sense of helplessness as he fights back the pinpricks stinging at the corners of his eyes. “That you were alive and out there, all this time? And I just… gave up?”

For a long moment, Steve just watches him. Then, with the slow, careful movements of one approaching a wounded beast, he brings his hands up to frame Thor’s face. Like an old muscle memory, he instinctively leans into them, the familiar warmth surpassing any of the memories he’d conjured up on the loneliest nights.  
  
“Thor… the others told me everything - you _never_ gave up.” There’s a slight tremor to Steve’s words, but he keeps going, his gaze unwavering. “You kept helping people. And you came back when it mattered. That’s all I could ever ask of you.”  
  
“None of that changes what happened that day. When we lost you, we… I…” He takes a deep breath, trying to steady himself. “You should never have been in that reactor room, not alone. If we’d reached you in time, maybe you wouldn’t have…”. He trails away, still unable to finish that sentence after all this time.

“I made my decision, Thor. All that’s on me, not you,” Steve says, and Thor’s heard great kings and commanders speak with only half the conviction in his voice.

“Even so… can you forgive me?” He needs to know. Just this one thing, he needs.  
  
His gaze penetrating, Steve reaches up to brush back a stray lock of hair, fingers trailing softly back down Thor’s cheek. “I don’t know if I’m the one here who needs to forgive you,” he finally says.

And that’s all it takes for the dam to break at last. Head bowing as the tears spill over, he brings up his hands to circle Steve’s wrists, holding tight as sobs wrack through his chest.

Little by little, Steve’s arms wind their way around Thor’s shoulders, warm and solid and _real,_ until they can embrace properly. Clinging to each other like drowning men to a lifeline. And judging by the way Steve’s hands are fisted in his cape, shoulders trembling almost imperceptibly, he isn’t the only one who’s needed this. The thought has him pulling Steve in ever closer, and for all the deep, aching pain each new wave of tears brings, it’s like a heavy band of iron loosening around his heart at last.

It takes them a few long minutes before the tears start to subside, but eventually they run their course. Steve looks just about as drained as Thor feels when they finally disentangle themselves, eyes red as he lifts his face from Thor's shoulder. “Thor-”

“Wait, I-” he swallows, trying to gather his words “- may I?” His brow furrowed, Steve nods his assent, and Thor continues haltingly. “I know you’re right. That... there was nothing to be done that day.” The words are a painful barb to pull from his chest. But he owes this to Steve, and himself. “But after the Avengers fell apart, all I could think was that if anyone could have saved you… it should have been me.” 

Almost unconsciously, his fingers find Steve’s to tangle them together, and another warm bolt of relief runs through him at the answering squeeze he receives. “There was just - _so_ _much_ I didn’t know how to answer. I learned to live with it, and without you, but… I fear it may be some time before I can convince myself to lay it all aside.” **  
**  
“Thor…” Steve scrubs a hand over his face. “Look, I don’t have all the answers either. But we can’t change what’s happened, or keep looking back over our shoulder and wondering. All we can do is keep moving and try to learn from it.”

He hesitates, and for the first time since he entered, there’s a note of uncertainty in his voice. “Together?” he asks, and for a moment, Thor could almost laugh. As if there’s any question to ask. 

But then again, it’s Steve. Always putting his own needs second. So hesitant to ask anything for himself, even something that’s been his all along.  
  
So instead of answering, Thor wraps one hand around the nape of Steve’s neck, and slowly draws him in close. Their kiss only lasts a few moments, almost soft enough to be considered chaste. But _oh_ , it feels like rainfall after years of drought. Only made sweeter when he pulls back to see the relief and happiness shining in Steve’s eyes.

“Together,” he whispers, letting his forehead rest against Steve’s. And as Steve lets out a long, shaky breath and grips his hand tighter, it feels like coming home.

In the end, they settle back onto the bed together. Steve rests his head on Thor’s shoulder, while Thor traces a leisurely figure of eight across his back. It’s… _nice_ , as feeble as the word sounds in comparison to the warmth blooming in his chest. Restful in a way he’d almost forgotten.

“You’re certain they won’t miss you?” Thor asks quietly, pressing another kiss into Steve’s hairline. There’s still so much to be done, precious ground gained that they can’t afford to lose. But his eyelids are getting heavier by the moment. And for the first time since he laid Mjolnir at the base of that statue, he doesn’t feel the need to run pressing down on him. Not any more.  
  
“Tony and Nat promised they’d run interference if anyone asked. Besides,” Steve murmurs around a yawn, curling in a little closer, “I think we’ve waited long enough for this.”

 _That, we have_ , is the last clear thought Thor has as he lets himself slip into warm slumber. _That, we certainly have_.

_***_

_There are moments that the words don't reach_

_There's a grace too powerful to name_

_We push away what we can never understand_

_We push away the unimaginable_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it, any feedback will be deeply appreciated <3


End file.
